I was watching Jack Reacher on netflix last week (spoiler headed your way in 5, 4, 3...) and one of the smaller parts resonated with me regarding my struggle with food. One of the henchmen for the bad guy screwed up, and is about to get killed for it. He begs for his life, and the bad guy goes on with this tale from his days in a Serbian prison, in which he had to chew off his own fingers to avoid gangrene and eventual death. He tells the hack he will spare his life if he does the same to his own hand, as this will show his true desire to live.
The guy really gives it a shot which was nasty to watch, but he can't do it and ends up getting killed anyway.
This is how it is with me and weight loss. No one tells me that it's going to be easy. They tell me it's my only alternative to certain premature death. And I just can't chew off my fingers.
I say this not to make you lose your appetite (Heidi's Weight Loss System) but rather to try and translate just how hard it is for me to give up my eating and physical habits. Or maybe to show my own weakness. I don't consciously choose death, but I am an expert at complacency.
I also see my weight as a symbol for my approach to life. So much of my life has been about procrastination, excuses, or manipulating a scenario to be comfortable for me. I put more effort in not having to exert any. And I am a sum of these efforts - be it career, weight, social, or family.
I didn't set out this afternoon to say all of that. The dangers of typing this in a quiet house alone; feels much too much like a diary.
Pretend you skipped to this part where I tell you I started Nutrisystem today. The breakfast bar was so very small and left a cloying taste I'm still trying to rinse from my mouth. But that's because it's more vitamin than food and I'm supposed to eat a shake or something within an hour to curb the hunger pangs. It's a new mentality to not eat to satiation. The jury is still out!
- Heavy Heidi
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