It'll sneak up on ya...

Paused a moment this morning to realize how different my routine has become since April.  I care about my health. Who am I?

I don't use these products because I sell them. I don't use them because my family does.  I use them because they are changing my life. 

Yesterday I did the entire strength training circuit and my arms hurt just turning the steering wheel on the way home.  I pulled out the Post Workout Recovery and today I am here to TESTIFY!! 

Yep. That's next morning Heidi - pain free. Obesity + cardio + strength training = Pain everywhere.

This is changing the formula. 

Oh yeah, and it actually tastes good. That helps too.

I'll stop with the infomercial, but I'll never stop sharing.  Let's get off the couch together guys.  It's better over here - come join me.

Live simply. Expect little. Give much.

As I was getting ready for the day this morning it dawned on me that all the inspirational notes I leave for myself have been buried by the stuff of life. I took five minutes to clear the clutter and just reflect.  Positive purpose is the difference between a life of aimless meandering and joy.  Whatever your belief, does it involve existing just to exist? I sure hope not. 

Take a moment to smile. Yes, it's cheesy. Do it anyway. I'll wait.

Feel different? The chemical reaction in your brain that you just created is honestly amazing.  We can cover it up with mental clutter - in fact the world makes that a required default.  But an intentional pause and clearing of the mind is all it takes to see how awesome you are. Honestly, you are a work of art.  Show it off!

Healthy yummy cookies

Wanted to share the end of my Sunday - I took names all day and decided to continue meal prep into my favorite course: dessert!

Thanks to Amanda for sending me this link: http://whatisbakinginthebarbershop.blogspot.com/2013/03/3-ingredient-healthy-banana-oatmeal.html?m=1 with a simple three ingredient cookie recipe.  

I had three browning bananas, some oatmeal, and some walnuts.  That's all you need!!

The recipe called for two bananas and one cup of oats.  I did three bananas and two cups of oats -- and then I split the base recipe into three separate twists!

So this is how it mixes up - nice tacky consistency but probably a little drier than ideal.  Oh if only I had another nanner! 

The first spin was suggested in the recipe - peanut butter! I went for the pb powder, about a quarter cup.

These were comically dry - again needs some moisture to bind.  I'm all about just going with it tho, so whatev.  It will still taste yummy!

And then I thought - time for some fall y'all.  

Cinnamon and applesauce! Yes please.  This will pair great with the oat and walnut and help the batter bind.  Make sure you use sugar free or organic applesauce - we're going healthy here peeps.

350 for 10-15 minutes.  

Yummy! I'm going to mildly cheat and eat these with some froyo.  If you give them a try be sure to tell me what you think!

Progress

I don't think it's accurate to call me either analytical or not, but I do enjoy data.  I'd like to think that I'm a numbers person, but the truth is that I'm used to the strategy of using numbers to solidify your argument from high school speech and debate.  Stats and quotes.  Quotes and stats.  Abraham Lincoln once said that 98% of the stats you hear are either skewed or completely untrue.

See what I did there?

The easiest way to skew results with stats is a bar graph.  If you want your results to look more drastic when you've only recently seen them turn in your favor, shorten the period of time reviewed on your x axis.  If it's been more gradual than you would've liked, lengthen your x axis so you can make the numbers reallllllly small and the audience just sees the needle go in the desired direction.

Guys, I'm elated to report that MY weight loss results can withstand ANY of these tricks.  Despite depression, stress, dysfunction, you name it, I AM LOSING WEIGHT CONSISTENTLY.  Day after day.  I mean I've been laid out barely conscious for the last three days, and I've still lost weight (and no I'm not ignoring the fact that my caloric intake was likely down b/c my friends, this girl right here doesn't starve a fever.  Picture the opening scenes of Bridget Jones diary, only with a lot of kleenex and nyquil).

Source: nwonline.com.au

As an overeater, eating in general makes the pain go away.  That's the way it works in your brain.  And when you're sick, all the self love and inspirational people/quotes you've surrounded yourself with go in the trash can along with your last three ice cream sandwich wrappers.

So no, it isn't illness related weight loss.  It's Heidi's life is changing related weight loss.  And that feels pretty damn good.

Here's the break down, any way you'd like to slice it.

One Week. Five Pounds.

One Month. 10 lbs.  I didn't record weight as often as I should've in August, so I feel that I probably creeped up over 390 at some point at the beginning of the month and my second 24 day challenge cleanse.  But we're sticking with documented data here, so 10 lbs it is. 

Six Months. It's hard to say how many total pounds were lost, because us big girls love to YoYo.  To net these 10 lbs over the last six months is huge.  It says that I am turning the tide, and that's what matters. 

One Year - starting weight today 2014 was 377.  I'm only 3 lbs from that.  Given that I average 20 lbs gain a year, I'll take that as progress!

See what I mean?  If this were a stock I'd tell you to sell sell sell - it's value is only going in one direction - down!

Do this for yourself.  I woke up this morning finally well enough to see the aftermath of the last week's illness and general sloth around my house.  There was a science experiment in the sink, cat food all over the kitchen floor (I tried to pour the oversized bag of catfood into her little bowl and just left the aftermath for her to eat because, well, I could), a path of empty water bottles, kleenexes, and cough drop wrappers throughout the house.  You could definitely tell where I plopped in my self pity, as these paths would evolve into piles of debris in a circle around a mound of blankets and pillows and remotes and, yes, I'm ashamed to admit, two empty ice cream cartons.

The windows all got opened, I pranced through the house with my lysol spraying every surface in sight, and within an hour had laundry, dishwasher, and vacuum all put to their good uses.  And I weighed myself.   I couldn't remember if that was as much progress as I really thought it was, so I hopped on My Fitness Pal and logged it.  And it WAS great!  Then I checked my past history, and got even more excited.  And so a blog entry had to happen.

I tell you this stuff not because I like the world knowing I'm a slob with self control and esteem issues.  I tell you this stuff because I LOVE the world knowing that I am imperfect, just like you, and that God's grace is sufficient.

Stay your course, allow yourself to be human, and get back up again!!!  That's always progress, in my book.

The key to health:

Be greatful before you get out of bed.

Drink water.

Get up and do it yourself.

Acknowledge sorrow/frustration immediately.

Be realistic but intentional.

Smile.

Be selfish. It's okay.

I'm not gonna lie - I'm having a rough time of it in general these days.  I can't honestly tell you how much of this is actual problem and how much is biased perspective because, well, I'm in the thick of it.  But I know that I'm feeling unsafe - I'm making decisions that are so convoluted I drive myself crazy.  I'm doing my second 24 Day Challenge with Advocare right now -- I've lost 5 pounds in the first 7 days!  But how I've done that is beyond me, because I've been binge eating and self-shaming the entire time.

I'm debating a temporary withdraw from Facebook - using that time that is usually spent perusing the lives of others and perpetuating a positive personality of self love to instead ACTUALLY FIGURE OUT HOW IN THE HELL TO LOVE MYSELF.

I sat down this morning late for work, sweaty from a shower, with the intention of writing one line -- Because Lifting Your Fat To Take A Shower Is Not The Most Fun Way To Start Your Day.  But I sat here unable to write - just knowing that writing that would be the most artful of lies.  I'm not this brutally self aware person with a vision so strong that she thinks of reasons to stick to that vision at every moment.  My shower depressed the hell out of me, just like it does every day.  It exhausted me.  I knew I'd roll into work late yet again - even with two hours between the shower and start time - because of the ridiculous process it takes to get from shower to Hello World, I'm Heidi.  This time I'm spending writing is making me even more late.  But it has to happen anyway.

Why?

Well, what's the alternative?

This world runs when it should be standing still.  I can't change that - but I will find a way to do some still-standing despite the cultural norm.  At least until I learn my own value.  I will selfishly take time to reflect as though I'm a person with such personal worth that I owe that to myself - until I actually see it.  I will put the structure in place - and ironically that means that I don't have the structure everyone else has for a while.  What NEEDS to happen is that I wake up much much earlier than I have - so that the world's race can still be run.  The most successful people are up four hours before the rest of the world - I read that somewhere.  And they sleep at night.  They don't spend their time looking at electronics until the last possible moment of consciousness, because they don't have to escape the voices in their head.  I'm sure it isn't easy - but wouldn't that be nice?

So instead, I'm writing this for me.  Not to inspire anyone else - I don't have the ability to give that focus to anyone other than myself right now.  It sounds counter-productive, but I think the world would benefit from everyone being a little more selfish.  I didn't say greedy - I said selfish.

greedy - adjective
   having or showing an intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth or power.
selfish - adjective
   (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

Dang.  Way to go dictionary.  I was really hoping that the root definition of the words would help me explain what I meant, but selfish looks pretty crappy after all.  There's probably a thesis in there somewhere - that the focus on oneself is seen as negative down to the words we use to describe the action.  Past orator here -- moving on.  

Okay, I'll own the meaning of the word.  Christianity is about the loss of self, the embracing of altruism and living the life God has planned for you.  I think though that there's a reason we are told to put the air mask on our own face's when the plane goes down before we try to help anyone else.  Why we tie off our own wound in a triage scenario before we repair others.  Why God made us as individuals instead of some odd species that thinks collectively or doesn't think at all - just serves the common goal in lock step.  He sees the beauty in our individuality - he knows that the world needs people who love themselves, who spend time cultivating their own passions and interests, their own esteem, their own objectives.  That other's will learn more about their own worth by seeing someone love themselves than they ever will listening to someone jump into their crisis when their life is hypocritically awful.  

My bible verse this year - this era - is Psalm 142:3.  "When I am overwhelmed, You alone know the way I should turn."  There are some pretty awesome visual interpretations of this online - I'll share a few. 

So, which way should I turn?  Which way should I go? The answer I get in the midst of personal relationship crisis is inwards and upwards.  The answer I get in the midst of a battle with food addiction, literal chemical imbalance and depression, is inwards and upwards.  The answer I get in the midst of professional distress is inwards and upwards.  Not outwards.  It's not safe for me.  It just isn't.  The energy reserves are low, people.  I would say I need time to recharge my batteries, but honestly I don't think they've ever really been charged.  I think the more accurate metaphor would be that I don't have a battery back up - I am plug-in only.  And that's pretty damn dangerous.

I am defined by the relationships I have.  I am someone's daughter, sister, aunt, friend.  For a while I tried the mother role to see if that would help me feel fulfilled; every once in a while I throw in the girlfriend role to add some intensity and flavor.  But I'm not defined by me.  What am I about?  What are YOU about?  What is any of this about?  How sad and telling that I'm on a track for best supporting actress in my own production; and I have to tell you, it isn't looking like a blockbuster right now. How could that be when I'm such a good person?  

It gets really hard to be a good person when you're hurting.  Putting that on yourself when you aren't structurally sound just breeds resentment, defensiveness, hurt, martyrdom, and greed.  The truth is, no one but Jesus will ever love you like you should be loved.  Even the most awesome people you know will never understand just how awesome you are, and how much support you deserve.  And that's okay.  They should be spending time loving the hell out of THEMSELVES.  I long for a world where we get to walk around feeling great about our own body image, our own accomplishments, our own journey, and relationships look more like happy people rubbing up against someone else's self-love.  "With Our Powers Combined...."

So, I'm going to try and put my mask on first.  That will probably feel weird, to me and to you.  My instinct is to apologize for that.  Maybe I'll start there.  Sorry not sorry?  No, I've always thought that was an uninspired use of rudeness to catch someone's attention rather than relay your own intention.  I AM sorry.  I have a lot of apologizing to do to myself right now -- but I am not sorry for caring more about me than you.  You shouldn't be sorry for that either!  Love yourself - Be selfish!  It's okay.

Break the cycle