I'm debating a temporary withdraw from Facebook - using that time that is usually spent perusing the lives of others and perpetuating a positive personality of self love to instead ACTUALLY FIGURE OUT HOW IN THE HELL TO LOVE MYSELF.
I sat down this morning late for work, sweaty from a shower, with the intention of writing one line -- Because Lifting Your Fat To Take A Shower Is Not The Most Fun Way To Start Your Day. But I sat here unable to write - just knowing that writing that would be the most artful of lies. I'm not this brutally self aware person with a vision so strong that she thinks of reasons to stick to that vision at every moment. My shower depressed the hell out of me, just like it does every day. It exhausted me. I knew I'd roll into work late yet again - even with two hours between the shower and start time - because of the ridiculous process it takes to get from shower to Hello World, I'm Heidi. This time I'm spending writing is making me even more late. But it has to happen anyway.
Why?
Well, what's the alternative?
This world runs when it should be standing still. I can't change that - but I will find a way to do some still-standing despite the cultural norm. At least until I learn my own value. I will selfishly take time to reflect as though I'm a person with such personal worth that I owe that to myself - until I actually see it. I will put the structure in place - and ironically that means that I don't have the structure everyone else has for a while. What NEEDS to happen is that I wake up much much earlier than I have - so that the world's race can still be run. The most successful people are up four hours before the rest of the world - I read that somewhere. And they sleep at night. They don't spend their time looking at electronics until the last possible moment of consciousness, because they don't have to escape the voices in their head. I'm sure it isn't easy - but wouldn't that be nice?
So instead, I'm writing this for me. Not to inspire anyone else - I don't have the ability to give that focus to anyone other than myself right now. It sounds counter-productive, but I think the world would benefit from everyone being a little more selfish. I didn't say greedy - I said selfish.
greedy - adjective
having or showing an intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth or power.
selfish - adjective
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.
Dang. Way to go dictionary. I was really hoping that the root definition of the words would help me explain what I meant, but selfish looks pretty crappy after all. There's probably a thesis in there somewhere - that the focus on oneself is seen as negative down to the words we use to describe the action. Past orator here -- moving on.
Okay, I'll own the meaning of the word. Christianity is about the loss of self, the embracing of altruism and living the life God has planned for you. I think though that there's a reason we are told to put the air mask on our own face's when the plane goes down before we try to help anyone else. Why we tie off our own wound in a triage scenario before we repair others. Why God made us as individuals instead of some odd species that thinks collectively or doesn't think at all - just serves the common goal in lock step. He sees the beauty in our individuality - he knows that the world needs people who love themselves, who spend time cultivating their own passions and interests, their own esteem, their own objectives. That other's will learn more about their own worth by seeing someone love themselves than they ever will listening to someone jump into their crisis when their life is hypocritically awful.
My bible verse this year - this era - is Psalm 142:3. "When I am overwhelmed, You alone know the way I should turn." There are some pretty awesome visual interpretations of this online - I'll share a few.
So, which way should I turn? Which way should I go? The answer I get in the midst of personal relationship crisis is inwards and upwards. The answer I get in the midst of a battle with food addiction, literal chemical imbalance and depression, is inwards and upwards. The answer I get in the midst of professional distress is inwards and upwards. Not outwards. It's not safe for me. It just isn't. The energy reserves are low, people. I would say I need time to recharge my batteries, but honestly I don't think they've ever really been charged. I think the more accurate metaphor would be that I don't have a battery back up - I am plug-in only. And that's pretty damn dangerous.
I am defined by the relationships I have. I am someone's daughter, sister, aunt, friend. For a while I tried the mother role to see if that would help me feel fulfilled; every once in a while I throw in the girlfriend role to add some intensity and flavor. But I'm not defined by me. What am I about? What are YOU about? What is any of this about? How sad and telling that I'm on a track for best supporting actress in my own production; and I have to tell you, it isn't looking like a blockbuster right now. How could that be when I'm such a good person?
It gets really hard to be a good person when you're hurting. Putting that on yourself when you aren't structurally sound just breeds resentment, defensiveness, hurt, martyrdom, and greed. The truth is, no one but Jesus will ever love you like you should be loved. Even the most awesome people you know will never understand just how awesome you are, and how much support you deserve. And that's okay. They should be spending time loving the hell out of THEMSELVES. I long for a world where we get to walk around feeling great about our own body image, our own accomplishments, our own journey, and relationships look more like happy people rubbing up against someone else's self-love. "With Our Powers Combined...."
So, I'm going to try and put my mask on first. That will probably feel weird, to me and to you. My instinct is to apologize for that. Maybe I'll start there. Sorry not sorry? No, I've always thought that was an uninspired use of rudeness to catch someone's attention rather than relay your own intention. I AM sorry. I have a lot of apologizing to do to myself right now -- but I am not sorry for caring more about me than you. You shouldn't be sorry for that either! Love yourself - Be selfish! It's okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment