I'm sure you've read by now that I fell down my stairs this past Friday night (I don't pretend I have a massive following of non-facebook-friends waiting for my next blog post). I have no idea how it happened, how I didn't end up in the hospital, really I'm not sure about the whole situation at all. But for the fact that someone would have serious dirt on me (I'm sure I wasn't making the nicest facial expressions), I wish that there had been someone else at my house when it happened so they could tell me how it all went down.
Maybe I don't. It's hard enough going up and down these stairs with anything in my hands since THE FALL. I actually got up and went with my family to Versailles for the weekend, so yesterday evening was the first time since it happened that I had to use the stairs regularly. I didn't realize before how quickly I tear up the stairs (you try having the only bathroom upstairs), at some points skipping stairs with loads of towels/etc waiting for me to bring them up (because who actually takes those loads up like they're supposed to) and never ever using the railing. Now I'm going grandma style up the stairs. I had to bring my laptop up tonight and you'da thought I was lifting a piano.
I really want to install one of these.
Yes, I joke. But in all seriousness, it could have been very very very bad. I'm not trying to milk it or anything, but it made me think about a lot of things all at once.
What if that really was it? I worked my day, rushed home (fighting with my parents because they didn't want to come and consolidate cars), grabbed the laundry w/ Amanda on the cell, and fell to my death. Funny how the first thought wasn't about death. It was about what everyone would be stuck with - Amanda sitting on the other end of the line without a clue, Mom & Dad knocking on my door with my nephews in tow, having to use the key and not even being able to open the door b/c my body was in front of it (yes I went to a morbid place) - Sebastian having to deal with that, Landon being confused and sad. Lisa & Joe having to hear that nonsense on their date night - Jen having to hear it at work....and all my friends, and my team at work, and my kitty....
Yes, I also thought about my salvation. Did I even think about God that Friday? When was the last time I did? And then all the little things like insurance and my lack of a will and my legacy (if any) and on and on these thoughts went. They're still creeping in, honestly.
So ANYWAY I say all of this not to take you all on a journey down Sad Heidi Lane, but to share where I am now and to maybe give a little background to why I'm at this place.
I would not have liked my life to end that way. Well who wants to go in such a clutsy way?! I don't mean that literally. I mean all of those question marks I just mentioned. Here's what I do want -
+ I want everyone I love to know, without question or fractional doubt, exactly how much they mean to me and that their relationship with me is now and should have always been more important than anything else between us.
+ For lack of direct progeny (woohoo True Blood for throwing that big bad word in my mind), I want my nephews to be given the gift of their education and then some as a legacy from me if something like that should ever happen. AKA I want to get serious about my life insurance. I don't want this because of it's material value; I want this because I feel that education is something that's always defined me and maybe they'll be able to "see me" in a gift like that more than plain ole money.
+ I want God to know that He Is First in my life. I really do not think I could honestly say that He is at this point, even with my faith and commitment to him. I want to redefine my choices with this promise in mind.
+ I want people to be able to say kind things about me in memory out loud, and think in their minds "yeah, that's the truth."
+ I want everyone who knows me to know that my life continued to be ABOUT something, instead of just hitting a crescendo in my late teens, late twenties, fill in the blank. I think the only way to achieve that is to always be willing to do the hard work to have authenticity behind my passion (you know this isn't always the case if you know me well).
I think that about sums it up. I think we all owe it to ourselves to take a minute and answer these questions - and then attempt to do the work to get to a point where these wants can become reality. You might be thinking, yeah, well I want a pony.
But yeah, I get where you're hypothetically coming from. That's why I say TRY. What's the point of life without trying? I mean really - not being glib here - what IS the point if you don't give it a go?
That's why I got my happy self up and went to class tonight. I don't think I changed the world; I was a hot mess.
But I did it - something I said I would do, and was sad I hadn't yet done.
And that matters, y'all.
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