June 5 y'all

Here we go again.  I'm so glad I'm doing this blog, because every day of silence is recorded.  We're so good at lying to ourselves, aren't we?  When we aren't beating ourselves up, we like to lie to ourselves.  I can believe in my family, friends, and team at work - but consistently believing in myself is a whole 'nother story.

But I'm still here, aren't I?  It's taken a lot of downs and DOWNS to realize that more than anything, I'm just tired of being down.  Last week I was challenged by Angie to workout and post a picture afterwards - that same night Amanda asked me to call after my workout.  Instead of working out I took a nap.  I didn't just get distracted with some other task - I completely checked out.  I was so devastated by myself, but fortunately both of these ladies didn't just let me sit in it and feel sorry for myself.  They held me accountable and told me that it wasn't cool - that they couldn't want it for me.

At first I just got mad - mad at them, mad at myself, mad at anything I could get my hands on.  Didn't they understand how hard it was to work towards a goal you've tried and failed several times over to achieve?  Didn't they know that it was hard to be depressed and active at the same time? 

I spent the weekend in Versailles with my parents, and we had a good time.  But boy did we eat!  Friday night we went to a local Mexican restaurant, Saturday morning a lady from church brought over a fresh homemade lemon meringue pie so that became breakfast, Olive Garden was lunch, take out pizza with all the fixings made up dinner, and Sunday morning was McDonald's (I only ate oatmeal, but still).  I didn't have to eat poorly at those places, but I did.  It wasn't my parent's fault, it wasn't the restaurant's.  It was mine.

I don't know what happened to me, but I experienced extreme back pain Saturday night through to Sunday morning.  Maybe it was cramps, maybe I pulled something, maybe my spleen was beating up my liver.  Whatever it was, I found myself being carted by Mom to the podank-iest hospital I have ever been to at 6am that Sunday.  I am certain that doctor hated me.  He said that whatever the supposed cause, the true root of the issue was my obesity.  I've had plenty of doctors point out the medical issues surrounding my weight - in fact I'd question the credentials of a medical professional who didn't - but it was pretty brutal.  You are only 28 years old and might not reach 30.  You will definitely develop diabetes, congestive heart failure, organ displacement, circulatory issues, arthritis and joint pain in your hips, knees, and spine.  Bypass won't work - there's a lady here who had that done and was just eating a donut this morning.  Your doctors and coaches can't help you - you have to help yourself.  It's obviously hereditary (looks at my mom and her rollater) and you have to make serious changes.  I'll do an xray and prescribe some pain meds, but that's just putting a band aid on a serious and possibly life threatening condition.

Have a nice day.

I spent the rest of Sunday in a drugged haze, but by Monday night all of these words - from the doc, my friends, my family - settled in my gut.  We ask God for the courage and strength of conviction to believe in and accomplish our goals, and he brings us through dark valleys.  I am too blessed in every other aspect of my life to believe I'm meant to sacrifice my health.  Cue the inspirational music now!

So I'm getting off this couch again.  I worked out for only 28 minutes tonight - that Chalene is DEFINITELY Extreme.  At first I was disappointed - by the end I could only do 5 reps and she said if you can't do at least 10 your weight is too heavy....but I was using a 2 lb resistance band so I thought that might be a good sign to stop.  My plan for next time is to do five reps for each exercise so I can get through the whole thing.  Oh, and to complete more than two push ups.

The Shakeology tonight was great!  I decided to pull out the big blender -- there's just too much stuff to pack into a single serve blender!  I was able to get two oranges, a handful of blueberries, a banana, and the vegan tropical fruit Shakeology -- double yum.  Just a note, you want to clean your glasses and pitcher out before the night ends -- this stuff hardens like a rock!  A little unsettling...telling myself it does that to act as an appetite suppressant - right??

Cheers everyone - I'm in it if you are!